I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
