my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
