So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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