when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
The struggles of a small town man whore
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Randomize
