she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
