There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
