My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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