I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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