Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
