He asked to "fluff my boner.."
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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