The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
