you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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