I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
