We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
