idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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