And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
