i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
