I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
