need another drink. this is the easiest way
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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