There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
