Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
