Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
