On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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