this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
