Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
