I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
