I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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