my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i love accidental penises.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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