no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
