The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
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