I love how my cats smell like pot.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
