tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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