I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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