If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Four minutes until I can fart!
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
