literally had 100 drinks last night.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
don't judge my taste in strippers
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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