Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
