Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
worst night to have a conscience
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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