everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
