why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
