I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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