shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
