I just saw a hot homeless man
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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