On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
And then the night went full on bisexual.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
