Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
