He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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