TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
