Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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