I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
