Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
