Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Randomize
