DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
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