Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
i think my cat just said my name.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
