You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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