Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
