theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
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