someone get that fucking seahorse.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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