I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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