The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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