You just made me feel so damn special
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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